SO I was having a conversation with a friend this morning about security... and what an illusion it is... and what a drug that illusion is. A strong, addictive drug. And I "jones" for it... a lot. Culturally, we are spoiled, and I believe even the most grateful among us take certain things for granted - and count on them being there tomorrow, if not next week and next year. And certainly the recent events in Japan have served to highlight and underscore how fragile and unpredictable life is - even this massive dirt ball we call Earth knows that much. But meanwhile, here in north central Oklahoma, I'm sometimes uncertain... and occasionally worried.
I used to be afraid to say that out loud, for fear of being chastised for having "little faith". You know all the possible responses - "oh ye of little faith" - "faith can move mountains" - "faith is fear that has said its prayers" - "if you worry why pray, and if you pray why worry" - I'm sure you can add your own... (but please don't!). Nowadays I at least don't worry about chastisement. Abba and I have had way too many heated discussions (my part is heated, His is always cool and peaceful... which can occasionally add to my heat...) about why certain things happen the way they do, for me to be afraid to voice my fears out loud. And amazingly, sometimes just the vocalization of those fears allows them to burst like so many bubbles and disappear in droplets of resignation, or even peaceful acceptance of whatever is to come. But sometimes those worries and fears hang around, nibbling on my ankles like mosquitos on a hot August night. And no amount of spiritual Calamine lotion calms the burn and the itch... to know... or at least to suspect that a solution is waiting around the corner.
Another one of those cheery platitudes that applies in these circumstances (and which I have even been guilty of offering to someone else struggling - (why IS it so much easier to believe and reassure someone else than it is yourself??? Ahhh, another discussion for another time... but I digress...) - "Trust an unknown future to a known God." That may very well be the crux of the matter for me. That "known God" part. What a journey THAT has been! And continues to be...! There really is no pigeon-holing Him. Just about the time I think I've got some beliefs nailed down the boards pop loose. So maybe it is that our beliefs IN Him are directly proportional to our knowledge ABOUT Him? And I'm sure not saying that it's a negative measurement, one that we need to feel shame and guilt over if the two are unequal (and they will ALWAYS be unequal, just because He is Who He is! And we are the way we are...). It's not a matter of "faith" as in there's something we can resolve to do differently so we can "have more faith in Him". Number one, our faith is a gift from Him, not from ourselves. And two, our best resolutions are based on our efforts and power, and we ain't got none (deliberate incorrect grammar added). But maybe it's more a time of mile-markers - here marks the spot of all you know and believe (two separate measurements) about Him... it's time to take the fork in the road and learn more.
I wish there was a map somewhere, like what I get from AAA or Mapquest or something... wait... maybe there is. Maybe my security on this journey comes from renewing my mind to those nails of Truth (double-entendre His, not mine!) I already have: ... NEVER will He forsake me... He hems me in from ahead and behind... He knows the plans (and they're supposedly good plans...)... or as my friend reminded in song to me this morning, He "loves me, this I know"... And maybe that will be enough to see me into the next unseen step. Kind of like Indiana Jones where he steps into nothing only to have the path appear under his foot. AFTER he takes the step, NOT before.
blehhhhhhhhh.......... so why do I feel more like Wiley Coyote?
I think I will ponder the following, along with the other truths I mentioned above, as I duel with my fears today:
"When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on, or we will be taught to fly." -- Patrick Overton.
There's that flying thing again... here we GO!