Friday, April 8, 2011

Lost in the Now

It was a beautiful morning. The temperature was about 66 degrees and you could smell spring in the mist that wasn't quite burned off yet. Driving into work I passed a car going the opposite direction. And what caught my eye was the back window of their SUV, rolled down and a child's face (not unlike the one above), framed in the opening - with eyes closed and a smile of pure delight on his face. I was captured by that image and I've replayed that scene a dozen times or more since then. And I was surprised at the flood of emotion it evoked in me. I want that kind of unadulterated joy! That enjoyment that comes from being completely present in the moment and caught up in the wonder of life as a full experience. I can't even remember the last time I felt that lost in the Now.

I mean - my brain is so full of things needing done, weren't done, might need done, along with how to do this or that and how will it affect the other - and... it just overwhelms me at times. Factor in a few failed attempts at any of the above, and let's just say I daydream of laying on my back on a beach somewhere, with a box of wine propped up on a stool above my head and the spigot turned full-on. (OK - that last bit might be a slight exaggeration, but the rest isn't, I assure you...!)

I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with Adult ADD and is now taking medication for it. She is absolutely thrilled at how much more productive her life has become and was telling me her symptoms and how she took a preliminary test before consulting a physician. Out of curiosity I looked at the online test and it asked a couple of questions I totally related to (actually, I related to several but I'm fairly convinced I'm just shooting myself in the foot, rather than dealing with a disorder...)(the range of answers can be from "Not at all" to "Very much"): (#17 - There is a lot of "static" or "chatter" in my head, #21 - My thoughts bounce around as if my mind is a pinball machine , and #22 - My brain feels as if it is a television set with all the channels going at once.) That last one really sums it up for me - and yes, to all of those I would check the "Very much" box!

I used to pride myself on being a competent multi-tasker. Then I had chemotherapy, and that changed to a degree. The ol' noggin just doesn't function as fast and efficiently as it used to... and we won't even mention aging... And then throw in:
~ living with and caring for my mother whose health is deteriorating and has multiple physical challenges going on (not to mention a recent awareness that my relationship with her is the source of most of my distrust in Abba as a loving Father - or in my case, Mother! - as well as over-compensating/people-pleasing attributes, and misguided feelings of shame and guilt);
~ a precious wonderful daughter who is rather high-maintenance on assistance with living skills and relationship;
~ my recent remarriage to the love of my life and having to juggle time for ourselves with all the other demands;
~ the construction of a new home that I'm trying to make as personal and comfortable as possible but within a very limited budget (and just discovered I had ordered the wrong kitchen cabinets from Ikea and now have to order additional ones), which will also demand demolition of the home we're currently living in (at which time we will have to temporarily relocate - READ: move once, then move again);
~ my husband's new business which hasn't been as busy and lucrative as we had hoped;
~ and just for good measure, sprinkle a little bit of working full-time on top;

and you've got my brain. The one that has all the channels going at once. Kinda like Cartoon Network bleeding through on Dog: Bounty Hunter, Criminal Minds, and a hint of House Hunters and Divine Design thrown in for creativity.

So yeah, I pondered longingly that sweet young face that was feasting on the feel of the wind through an open car window, totally lost in the present moment.

Maybe I can get someone to take me for a ride...?